Chapter 9 - Post Caring

Four years had seemed such a long time, I forgot what it was like to be within that working ethos; in fact to be quite frank, I was terrified!  My self confidence and self esteem was extremely low.  I knew in my mind that if I did not get my butt into gear then I would end up in the benefit’s trap – somewhere I certainly did not want to be.  Not only did I want to provide for my son and me, but I needed to show my son how important it is to get your life back on track and how important it is to be out in the workforce.  I prepared my Curriculum Vitae and at the end of January 2009, I began applying for jobs.  I did not particularly wish to go back into teaching; strange, I know, after all that time spent studying!  In addition, my self confidence certainly was not up to standing in front of a class room of unruly children, in fact, I shuddered at the very thought.  I excitedly applied for a position at My Pet Stop on the outskirts of Leeds.  Unfortunately, I did not get the job, as he said I was over qualified and they wanted somebody who would stay long term.  I was fuming, as they certainly did not know me!  I am not the type of person who moves from job to job and furthermore, they would have been very hard pushed to find somebody who would have loved the animals as much as me!  I certainly did not apply for the salary or their benefits package!  Over the next few weeks, I had written to numerous companies, until I saw an advert in the Yorkshire Evening Post for a person to help set up, promote and run the Leeds Carer’s Emergency Service.  I had no marketing experience whatsoever; however, apparently my Manager said I won them over with my caring attitude!   I have been with the Company now for over two years and I am pleased to say that I now feel like I am back to the “old” Vicki, of which I once was! 

The scheme of which I was involved with at work went live in March and all of a sudden, I found myself pushed out there, attending meetings with professionals and carers, like I had just been.  It seemed ironic in a way, as many of the emotions and feelings of the carers I met mirrored my self in a way.  Walking back into Aire Court Community Mental Health Centre to prepare and carry out a promotional meeting hit me like a brick.  As I walked through the double glass doors, I caught a glimpse of the chairs and the coffee machine of where Mum and I once sat, drinking coffee and peering around the reception area like little children on their very first day at school.  As I approached the front desk and introduced myself, a very tall slender, brown suited man came to greet me.  With a huge, warm smile, my Mum’s Social Worker gave me a welcoming hug and led me to the meeting room.  With the help of Andy, I managed to carry off my meeting and make new contacts.

The first holiday Marcus and I went on, seemed very strange as we no longer needed to plan it like a military process.  When Mum was here and especially Allan, it could take months to prepare.  First and foremost, managing to book respite care for Mum, carers for Allan and the actual holiday dates to all coincide was indeed something MI5 would be proud of.  Then came to the pets!  On one particular trip to Greece, the transportation of family members, dogs to one kennel, cats to another and the rabbits to another, all in various locations in West Yorkshire was an operation in itself, taking up two whole days!  In fact the second week of my holiday was spent thinking about how I would manage the military operation when I got back.  Furthermore, just to add insult to injury, I would need to purchase a whole new wardrobe for Mum on her return, due to the usual inept laundry staff and packing abilities.  To this day, I have not got a clue whom Joan Brown was, but we had many of her clothes!  I contacted the care home, to enquire about this, as her name was sown delicately into all the garments Mum had brought home.  Amazingly enough, they had never heard of her!  It was always rather odd, that her hair brush never returned with her, although the staff were not totally nasty, they always gave her somebody else’s.  I am just pleased that she was no longer able to wear her false teeth!  Although, I could not really complain, as they had the fundamentals correct, in the way that they had cared for my Mum, in comparison to the residential and nursing homes she had stayed in previously.  Moreover, she had been fed and watered, which was a bonus, in my experience.  I have seen car stickers and fridge magnets that quote, “be nice to your children, they will be the ones choosing your nursing home”.  Funny, although very true!

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            Facing the death of a loved is the most traumatic experience that any of us will go through.  Dealing with the death is such a painful process; however, the practicalities that follow seem cold and are terribly difficult to deal with.  First and foremost, the death needs to be registered.  Remember to get enough copies of the death certificate to forward to all the appropriate organisations.  Secondly, it is now time to arrange your loved one’s funeral.  Many people have already pre-planned their funeral, which makes life that bit easier.  Mum had not planned anything; therefore, it was up to me to decide what she would have wanted.  She had told me at some point that she had wanted to be cremated. Thus, this is what I arranged.  I also managed to find a Spiritualist minister, as I also know that this would of being one of Mum’s wishes.  Remember that if you have been on benefits whilst being a carer, you may be entitled to help with funeral costs.  I believe it is the form SF200, which you will need from your local benefits office.

            If there is a Will, you will need to contact the executor (if that’s not you), to begin the process of probate.  However, if there is no Will, then this is the time to decide who will be sorting out your loved one’s affairs.  It is essential at this point to contact the Probate registry to apply for letters of administration.  There are many good internet sites, which explain all these processes.  Create a list of all the organisations that need to be contacted, for example: Benefits office; DVLA; Banks and Building societies; utility suppliers, etc.  If you have been receiving a Carer’s allowance, this will continue for a further eights weeks. I find it quite strange how people of a pensionable age are unable to claim Carer’s Allowance.  In addition, it amazes me that younger persons, whom are carers on Income Support, are entitled to Carer’s Allowance, however, half of this is then knocked off from their benefit, and defeats the purpose somewhat.  Anyhow, I will come off my benefit and political band wagon!

            I have spoken to some carers who have told me that grief did not hit them straight away.  They went through the funeral unscathed and dealt with all the affairs in a kind a military fashion.  However, they noted that when they started to notice that everybody around them was starting to get on with their lives, they suddenly found themselves in despair.  After caring for somebody with Dementia for a significant length of time, it takes time to adjust.  The anxiety, stress and exhaustion may well eventually catch up with you and it is possible to feel unwell for a while.  Remember, you may well be physically, emotionally and even financially drained.

            Other carers have mentioned to me that their grief comes in waves.  Just as they are beginning to feel that bit better and more in control, a further wave hits them.  However, these waves do get smaller and less infrequent as time goes by.

            As stated in the previous chapter, I grieved for Mum whilst she was still alive.  I grieved for the person she used to be and also grieved for what was to come.  It was a long painful process.  It is quite possible that you are finding that you are in the exact same situation – you are not alone, many carers go through this.  I feel it is so important that you discuss these feelings.  Carer’s groups are ideal opportunities to talk to other people who are going through the same as you.  I have come across many carers in my work now, who have found good friends within these groups – even found people to go on holidays with, when their loved ones are on respite.  Please remember, you deserve a life too!

            However, not everybody goes through this anticipatory grief – your emotions will be all over the place.  It is quite understandable, and I suppose I did too, go through a grieving process for the life that you are leading now.  After the death of a cared for person, the carer will realise how much their life has actually changed over the years, thus feeling very saddened by the whole affair; this is perfectly natural at such a massive change.  I did prepare myself for Mum’s death along with preparing my son, Marcus.  In a fashion, I found closure at Mum’s funeral.  Although many carers find themselves grieving all over again.    What I am trying to put across, is that we are all very different and deal with grief in various ways – remember, give yourself time to adjust and above all be kind to yourself.  If you are continuing to struggle and life seems just too difficult, contact Cruse Bereavement; they can arrange bereavement counseling in your area.

            Caring for someone with Dementia is both physically and mentally exhausting – somewhat overwhelming at times.  Through my personal experience, I can confidently say that lack of sleep can be a tremendous toll.  Not only did I suffer from anxiety and depression, but moreover, I suffered frightful migraines that lasted for days.  In addition, I found myself suffering with many kinds of various aches and pains across my body.    I know I keep saying it, but it does take time to adjust and patience and taking care of yourself is the key.  That means eating properly, taking gentle exercise and trying to get yourself out there.  Many carers find that they have been isolated for long periods and therefore, lack the confidence to actually get out there – this is quite understandable.  Take your time and take small progressive steps – you will get there.  Voluntary work is an ideal place to start, as you are able to choose and tell the organisation of your choice, what hours and days you want to help out.

            If I had not found a job so quickly, I had planned to approach an animal charity to offer my time.  This would have undoubtedly given me a feeling of self worth and would have provided me with extra skills for when I was ready for employment. 

            When I began looking for employment, I was somewhat anxious about the huge gap in my CV.  However, after talking to close friends, I soon realised that I had gained many skills during my role as a carer.  This enabled me to change my career path and work within an environment of which I could show empathy and understanding and above all, enjoy.  I could see that I had spent eight years researching Vascular Dementia, years before that studying for a degree.

            Many people find that they are not quite ready to commit themselves to employment, thus learning a new skill at your local college could be the answer.  This will not only boost your self esteem, but will allow you to meet new people and gain confidence.  Above all, it is now time to take care of yourself, give yourself time to adjust and accept what has happened and slowing, but surely, you will recover and you will move on.